I have a habit of typing notes to myself in my iPhone. I don’t know if everyone does this or I’m just a freak. They are almost never To-Do lists or anything practical. They are abstract, nonsensical, I should think about this more jumbles of words. Sometimes they are just thoughts I can’t get out of my head, something I saw that struck me as odd, a realization that suddenly hits. I have hundreds of them typed in that yellow and white app.
Because I never really delete them and they are dated, I can look back and remember where I was mentally on that day. I found a great one yesterday.
June of 2014. I was lonely, I remember that. I was in a rut. I had just finished a half marathon and was taking a timeout from running. Suddenly, I had a lot of free time and was questioning what I should be doing next. I was doing a lot of thinking about some hard moments I’d gone thru that spring. Stuff I hadn’t had time to think about because I was too busy running!
So, I typed a prayer to God. It was a bit desperate because I felt lost and I needed guidance. I didn’t know where I should be going or what I should be doing, so I put all of that on God. I was worried that all the crap I was dragging around was going to cripple me and I didn’t know how to let it go. So I said this:
“I give you my path. I pray that all of the things that are not for me, that you would remove them. And all of the things that are for me – I pray for the courage to pursue them, to love them, to have the confidence to accept them. Please steady my heart and heal the wounds from my the past, so they do not destroy my future. All good things come from you. And I thank you for them.”
Have you ever watched Star Trek? Are you familiar with the phrase, “Make it so”… sometimes I think I type these notes so they can be tangible rather than just bouncing in my head. Like, maybe deep down I think I have the power to will an outcome by storing it in my phone.
The Bible mentions that by the way… not the phone specifically, but the idea that God’s power is working inside us, not clattering out of the sky in the form of terrifying lightening bolts. Maybe it’s there too, I don’t know. But the idea is in Ephesians, look it up: “Now to him who is able to do immeasurable more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power which is at work within us, to him be the glory…”
The next post in my phone, written 2 weeks later is a quote from Mad Men. Best. Show. Ever. It’s almost a response to the prayer I wrote. Who knows? Maybe subconsciously, it was.
Stop asking for things.”
To put it another way: Nothing is wrong. Keep going. Don’t think so hard.
So I kept going (obviously). The funny thing… the stuff that compelled me to write that prayer has all been ‘removed from my path.’ Lots of good things have come into my life in the last year… and I didn’t push them away. Far from it. I accepted them with open arms. When I say it in two short sentences, it sounds so simple but I’m talking about stuff that I struggled with for YEARS people. Years. So… maybe, somehow, that proves everything I just said isn’t totally ridiculous.
In my own meandering way, I guess I’m trying to say that your thoughts… are important. Whether you believe in God, or not – what you think, impacts your world – that which exists within you, and outside of you. So if you feel compelled to write down your thoughts, do it. Even if you think you will never look at them again. For laughs, I’d say.. do look at them. Every now and then. Just to take stock.
We humans are blessed and cursed with very short memories. How often do we realize that the things we begged for one day, are exactly what we ended up with?